Lesson 4: Little Choices, Big Impact
- Alicia Schott
- Feb 1
- 9 min read
Updated: Mar 27
Introduction
Have you ever felt like your toddler thinks they are already an adult? Are they always seeking to be independent and do things on their own, or their own way, instead of listening to you? If so, you are not alone. Toddlers are at a developmental stage where they are beginning to assert their independence and desire for control over their environment. This can often lead to struggles when they feel they have no say in decisions. For example, a toddler may refuse to eat a specific food if they feel forced to do so, or they might resist getting dressed if they have no input on what they are wearing. Similarly, bedtime struggles, transitions from playtime, and cleaning up toys can all become sources of frustration when toddlers feel they are being told what to do without choice. However, offering simple choices, such as asking, “Do you want an apple or a banana?” or “Do you want to clean up the blocks first or the cars?” can help toddlers feel more in control and reduce resistance. These small decisions empower toddlers, supporting their autonomy while guiding them through everyday tasks.
Researchers Côté-Lecaldare et al. (2016) state that the developmental period toddlers are going through “is one in which the issue of autonomy is central” and it is when “toddlers begin to assert themselves, to want choices, and to pursue their personal desires and drives in an increasingly volitional manner.” The power struggles that result from this need for autonomy are normal, but that does not mean it is easy to deal with, especially if your toddler is developmentally delayed. It may be more difficult for them to communicate their needs and feelings to you. One way you can help mitigate their tantrums when they are seeking independence is by giving them choices.
The Importance of Giving Choices
Supporting your toddlers’ need for autonomy is important during this stage as they assert their independence and explore their environment. They have a strong desire for choice and self-direction, making it important for parents to support them with guidance and respect for their needs. Toddlers naturally want to explore, play, and engage with their environment. However, as they assert their independence, conflicts can arise when their desires clash with parental expectations. Power struggles between parents and their toddlers are exhausting and can be detrimental to both parties. The tensions can lead to negative feelings and, therefore, negative actions. Providing choices for your toddler will help them feel that they have some independence and autonomy.
In everyday interactions, caregivers can create communication opportunities by asking simple, open-ended questions and providing choices. Instead of asking, "Do you want a snack?" caregivers might ask, "Do you want an apple or a banana?" while showing pictures or holding up the items. This not only encourages communication but also helps children practice decision-making skills.
Beyond reducing power struggles, research shows that fostering autonomy plays a key role in cognitive development. For example, a study by Castelo et al. (2022), found that when parents support their child's independence, it helps develop important thinking and self-control skills. It is important for parents to remember that toddlers are in a phase of their lives where they are seeking autonomy. A study conducted by Carleson (2023) states that autonomy plays an important role in the development of executive function. The skills that come from executive functioning can consist of “working memory, inhibitory control, and cognitive flexibility, which are needed for goal-directed behavior” (Carleson, 2023). Inhibitory control and goal-oriented behavior are particularly important for developmentally delayed children to develop. Inhibitory control helps children pause before acting impulsively, while goal-directed behavior allows them to plan and complete tasks. Both skills are crucial for emotional regulation and long-term learning.
Even at a young age, toddlers are already developing executive function skills. In fact, studies have shown that “some aspects of executive function probably emerge as early as the end of the 1st year of life” (Beriner et al., 2010). This means that your toddler has been developing their executive functioning for a year or more. They want to practice their thinking and decision-making skills, and you need to encourage their desire for autonomy. You may need to adjust your thinking, but it is important that you allow your toddler to practice these skills.
Watch the following video to help increase your understanding of the importance of choices. While this video is not research based, it offers practical insights on how choices impact a child's development. After viewing the video, record your thoughts about the importance of choices in your journal. Answer these questions:
What does offering choices do for your child?
How often can or should you offer choices?
What is the importance of executive functioning, and how does it relate to choices?
As stated above, an important reason to allow your toddler to make choices is that “executive function has been found to be related to emotional regulation” (Beriner et al., 2010). This means that allowing your child to practice their cognitive skills by giving them choices will increase their executive functioning, which will also increase their emotional regulation skills. One of the outcomes of these lessons is to be able to teach your child how to handle their emotions. While emotional regulation takes time, consistently offering choices will help your child strengthen their executive functioning and develop better control over their emotions.
What do you do when you give a choice to your child, but they simply answer by saying “no”? This can be difficult, but it is important that you communicate the right message to your child in these circumstances. Take a moment to look at the following graphic and then answer the questions in the discussion board by clicking on the Forum tab. Then watch the video that follows about how to give your toddler choices.
Which of the five tips do you think is the most important? Why?
Do you use any of the five tips currently?
Which of the five tips are you most likely to implement with your toddler?
What Choices to Give
"When my (Alicia) daughters were toddlers, brushing their teeth was always a battle—who would do it, them or me? At first, I’d say, 'Either you brush your teeth, or I will.' They hated that choice because when I brushed, I took my time, and that usually led to tears. And really, it wasn’t much of a choice- it was more of a threat: Do it or I will.’ Eventually, I found a better approach. Instead of an ultimatum, I asked, "Do you want to brush your front teeth or back teeth?” They usually chose the easier front and let me take care of the back. Suddenly, it wasn’t a power struggle, it was teamwork. They still had control, but we worked together toward the same goal: clean teeth!"
The kinds of choices you give your child are important. You do not want to give them too much or too little power. The best way to set both you and your child up for success is to keep choices simple- offering just two options that you decide are acceptable. They need to feel like they have power and autonomy, but it needs to happen within the parameters that you set. For example, you can let them choose between playing with blocks or playing with bubbles. If you do not want to play with bubbles because it is too messy, then you should not offer bubbles as an option. It is also important to give options that are desirable to your child. If they are asked to choose between two things that they do not want to do, that is not much of a choice. Disguising a threat as a choice is not a true choice and does not help your child to build their executive functioning. You should not ask them to choose between doing an undesirable task and a punishment, such as leaving the park now or going to time out when you get home. They need to feel that they have some real autonomy and freedom to choose. When children make a choice they value, they feel more confident in their decision-making. Research by Egan et al. (2010) suggests that even preschoolers and adults tend to rate an option more favorably after choosing it, reinforcing the idea that their choices matter.
Beyond playtime, offering choices throughout the day can help reduce power struggles and encourage cooperation. These choices do not have to be big decisions- small choices help toddlers feel more in control in a way that is still manageable for parents. It is also important to follow through once a choice has been made. If your toddler chooses apples, then apples should be what they get. This teaches them that their choices matter and helps build confidence in their decision-making skills. By giving structured choices, you empower your toddler while maintaining necessary boundaries, making daily routines smoother for both of you.
When to Give Choices
When developing this skill as a parent, it can be hard to decide when to offer your toddler a choice, and when to decide for them. Both are important and necessary for healthy development. There needs to be a balance between giving choices and setting firm boundaries. While offering choices can promote independence and cooperation, too many choices, or the wrong kind of choices, can lead to frustration, anxiety, and power struggles.
The earliest opportunity to provide children with choices begins when they start reaching for objects, allowing caregivers to support autonomy and vocabulary development by offering two options, labeling them, and reinforcing your child's enthusiasm. Researchers Eason et al. (2019) found that when toddlers are given the chance to make choices, they learn to understand how their decisions impact what happens next. For example, if your toddler chooses an activity, they are more likely to expect others to respect that choice.
A good rule of thumb is to offer choices in situations where your child can safely have input but make decisions for them in areas where structure and guidance are needed. Here are some simple ways to make choices:
Getting dressed: “Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?”
Mealtime: “Do you want apples or bananas with your lunch?
Transitions: “Do you want to hop to the car like a bunny or walk like a robot?”
Cleanup: Do you want to put away your books first or your blocks first?”
And here are examples of when you should decide for them:
Safety-related issues like holding hands in the parking lot
Hygiene routines like brushing teeth
Family schedules like bedtime
Also, be mindful of your child's emotional state. If they are tired, hungry, or overwhelmed, offering choices may backfire and lead to a meltdown. During those times, providing clear direction and staying calm can be most effective.
For additional information on this topic, read this blog article and discuss your findings and feelings with a partner, preferably someone who has frequent contact with your child. While it is not research-based, it provides an interesting perspective on when parents should give choices.
Discuss these questions:
Do you agree with the author? Why or why not?
How can too many choices result in your toddler feeling powerless?
How will you find the balance between choices and no choices?
Based on reading, what parenting style are you currently? Do you want to change your parenting style?
Thinking about these questions and the article can help you find the right balance between giving your child choices and providing the structure they need to grow.
Conclusion
As parents of toddlers, it's important to remember that offering your child choices can significantly support their growing sense of autonomy and help reduce power struggles that result in tantrums. By providing structured, simple choices, you help your toddler feel more in control while still maintaining the necessary boundaries to guide their behavior. This balance fosters confidence, independence, and emotional regulation, essential skills for your child's development.
To continue your learning, we encourage you to participate in the discussion on the Forum page by sharing your experiences, and challenges, with other parents as you explore how offering choices can improve your child's cooperation and decision making skills. Reflect on the questions provided and consider how you can implement these strategies to find the right balance between giving your toddler autonomy and providing the structure they need. Your participation in the discussion will not only reinforce what you’ve learned but also helps connect with other parents who share similar experiences and goals.
After completing all four lessons, and participating on the forum page, please use the following link to provide feedback we need as educators to improve the program. https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSf4FcN0TwK6d8GaRdFDCAS2rLTJuglK6Xu7Srh1Vb_ihbvyzg/viewform?usp=header
Sources
Bernier, A., Carlson, S. M., & Whipple, N. (2010). From External Regulation to Self-Regulation: Early Parenting Precursors of Young Children’s Executive Functioning. Child Development, 81(1), 326–339. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2009.01397.x
Carlson, S. M. (2023). Let me choose: The role of choice in the development of executive function skills. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 32(3), 220–227. https://doi.org/10.1177/09637214231159052
Castelo, R. J., Meuwissen, A. S., Distefano, R., McClelland, M. M., Galinsky, E., Zelazo, P. D., & Carlson, S. M. (2022). Parent provision of choice is a key component of autonomy support in predicting child executive function skills. Frontiers in Psychology, 12. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.773492
Côté-Lecaldare, M., Joussemet, M., & Dufour, S. (2016). How to Support Toddlers’ Autonomy: A Qualitative Study with Child Care Educators. Early Education and Development, 27(6), 822–840. https://doi.org/10.1080/10409289.2016.1148482
Egan, L. C., Bloom, P., & Santos, L. R. (2010). Choice-induced preferences in the absence of choice: Evidence from a blind two choice paradigm with young children and Capuchin Monkeys. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 46(1), 204–207. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2009.08.014
Eason, A. E., Doctor, D., Chang, E., Kushnir, T., & Sommerville, J. A. (2018). The choice is yours: Infants’ expectations about an agent’s future behavior based on taking and receiving actions. Developmental Psychology, 54(5), 829–841. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000482
It has helped me to give a choice between two things. I often struggle with giving too much choice like asking what do you want for a snack. Giving two ideas for snacks helps set boundaries and expectations too.